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Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
Remember when the world ended last year?
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.