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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`