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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Don’t jump to confusions.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out