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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.