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Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"