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I wish I had a friend like me
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...