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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....