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And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.