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"You`re better than that" is almost never true
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"