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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.