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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.