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I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.