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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Safe words are for quitters.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!