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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”