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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.