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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.