Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.