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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
It saddens me to think that I`ll never be able to watch my own a$$ as I walk away :(
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Darn right Iām good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.