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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
The police never think its as funny as you do.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver