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My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.