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If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.