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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Some days Iād like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
For once in my life, Iād like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?