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Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.