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I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
After I die, there are some people Iām going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.