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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn`t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.