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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, Iām not falling for that.
What if the weather talks about us?
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.