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I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Mondays should start at noon.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
Never squat with your spurs on
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.