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"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.