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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!