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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...