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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.