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Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
No pants are the best pants.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.