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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
I say the things better left unsaid.