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Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.