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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.