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Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.