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I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.