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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...