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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Anything is possible when you have no clue what you`re talking about
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.