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Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.