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Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out