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I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.