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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.