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Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
It’s a status….not your diary…
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.