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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"