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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.