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It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.