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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.