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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.