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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(