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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol