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Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.