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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.