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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.