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If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
Home is where the pants aren’t.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.