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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!