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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.