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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist