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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!