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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.