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You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY