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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.