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We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.