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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.