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I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!