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I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.