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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.