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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing