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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
Find someone you`re good at.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
there is no strong beer, only weak men
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.