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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.