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The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.