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Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
hilarious
Being human is expensive and exhausting.