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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.