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I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...