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There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
Save water, shower together.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.