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Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.