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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
I`m tired of things costing money
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.