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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional