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If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.