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When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.