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I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.