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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.