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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”