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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
You can`t be late until you show up
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.