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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...