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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.