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Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.