Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on