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My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
Smelling another person should be a choice.