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Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.