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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches