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Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"