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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)