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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?