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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)