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I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"