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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
What do you mean this posting of the BBQ ribs you made is not an invite?
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...