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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
Iām not drunk, Iām just exhausted from drinking all night.
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.