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Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.