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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Do angry people know about naps?
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.