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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
Dear Santa, I was framed!
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.