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I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.