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Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF