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Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
Relationship Status: eating
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
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