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My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."