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I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.