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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.