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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`