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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"