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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!