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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage