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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.